Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Zombie Apocalypse


Many of you might wonder why I am the way I am.  I don’t have an answer.  I will say that it could be due to the fact that I have strange dreams that wake me up at 5 in the morning.

Last night’s dream taught me how to survive a Zombie Apocalypse.  Very useful. Read on.

KansasSign1.jpg


So, Ben and I made a journey to Kansas.  The perfect setting for such a thing to happen.  When we got there, the house was sitting tilted sideways on the ground.  You might be thinking…”You basically dreamed you were in the Wizard of Oz.”  No.  Though I did turn to Ben and say “We’re not in Tennessee anymore Bennie…”

I digress.  So we’re in this sideways tilted house of a thing and there are no other humans around.  I was weirded out but Ben was all gung-ho to investigate, of course.  All of the sudden, we were on the moon.  What the?  Yeah, I don’t know.  And then, ZOMBIES!  CRAWLING ALL OVER!!

The first thing you should know is that average Moon Zombies cannot survive on our planet because they do not breathe oxygen.

*Note: Moon Zombies don’t breathe oxygen!*

So I guess that means we’re back in Kansas because the moon doesn’t have oxygen but that is beside the point.  The point is that all around Ben and I, zombies were dropping like flies! 

I thought we were in the clear.  Ben, however, was not as sure as I was and we were creeping all over the house searching for more Zombies. 

Did you ever hear that saying “Don’t go looking for things you don’t want to find”?  Well, yeah, that saying is true.  We found more zombies.  This time, however, they were not Moon Zombies.  They were genetically enhanced zombies.  They didn’t die no matter what you did.

I’m standing behind Ben about to hurl because I’m so scared.  All of the sudden all the zombies in the house turn towards Ben!  “NOOO!” I screamed as they came towards us!

Luckily, Ben had apparently gone through training in how to defeat zombies if you were suddenly attacked and he whips out an asteroid gun. 

Quick thinking, Ben, quick thinking.

He began blasting zombies apart, one right after another.  It was nasty, there were blue-green guts all over the wallpaper.

*Note: TO kill genetically enhanced zombies, use an asteroid gun, it’s the only way and could very well save your life.*

Now ladies, I know what you’re thinking…You wish you could have a boyfriend like mine that could save you in the case of a Zombie Apocalypse…

Well, HANDS OFF! HE’S MINE!

THE END (I know this ends suddenly but I had to wake myself up because I was so scared.  I’m a pansy.)

This is just one of many strange dreams I’ve had.  My psychological state is in disarray.

ice-cream-zombie.jpg

Saturday, September 4, 2010

They Paved Paradise and Put Up A Parking Lot

Random times in my life, I get a craving for a particular song by the Counting Crows. From the title of this particular blog post, most of you can probably guess which song. It's often featured in movies where you see people's lives passing before them and they don't even stop to notice what they have.

The song is Big Yellow Taxi and I fell in love with it when I first heard it a few years back. If you've never heard it, here's the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvtJPs8IDgU

I had an inkling to listen to the song this morning. I don't feel like my life is passing before me at all though, I am really happy with life. Loving life, actually. Sometimes though, it's nice to have a reminder of all that you have and that you need to make the most of every second you have on this big, beautiful and crazy world.

Sometimes, life can get you down I suppose. I mean, we've all been there at one time or another but what if we all just remembered who we are and why were here in the first place? I am determined that if we all did that, the world wouldn't have half the problems it has.

I realize this probably sounds like a "World Peace!" speech and maybe it is, though I never really thought of myself as the type to get all feely goody about that.

World peace is a wonderful concept and maybe someday it will happen but as for right now, this is my message to people to just say: stop whatever you're doing. Look around you. Seize every opportunity you get because things change in the blink of an eye and you never know what you'll be faced with next. Take every opportunity to help those around you and love the people you meet. Learn their stories. Talk. Take time for the simple things. Do the right things. Live your life in a way that would make your mother and your mother's mother and your mother's mother's mother proud! Those people made you what you are! Don't let them down!

I am a firm believer that if you do what is right and take the opportunities you get in life, even if things aren't always perfect and blissful, you'll at least have the peace of mind that you've done your part in making the world around you better and lived your life to the fullest.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I tried to find a picture for my last post...this is what I found. Disappointed in the world. That's how I feel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSLwCImWv-c&feature=related

In and Out with A Bang!

This is to demonstrate the point that no matter what I do, or where I go, something ridiculous and crazy always happens. I can't ever just have a normal day. Nah, nah. That would be too easy.

April 28th, 2010, I was hired as Macy's of Cool Springs Tennessee's newest employee. I don't even know how I applied for the job. I am pretty sure I just typed in "job search in Tennessee" on the search bar thing. Somehow, I was directed to a totally random site and I am not really sure it was real...I was almost positive that if I put in my information, I would be tracked down and stalked or something. Seeing as how I have yet to be stalked...the site must have been somewhat legit. Anyhow, I got an email from Macy's and it told me where to go. I took my mom along just in case the place wasn't real and turned out to be some kind of Oceans 11 hideout. I don't know. My imagination sometimes gets the best of me I think. But the place was real and I somehow got hired.


Saturday May, 1 was my first day. Um. Worst first day ever. Work isn't bad...until it slows down to a screeching halt...no customers... We are all standing around wondering what has happened. Someone goes over to the doors, which were out of my sight range, and discovers that...the parking lot has flooded! Oh my! What excitement! Wait...the parking lot is flooded? Why? Huh?

Basically, Middle Tennessee had turned into a lake. I just wanted a nice first day of work where I would drive home at 6 when I got off but no. I left at 7 and got home...two days later.

Like I said, I can't have anything normal happen in my life. Too easy that would be.

Today was my last day of work. Bitter sweet, you might say. I worked in handbags. If you know me well, you know that I am a handbag junkie but I have very good control over my addiction. Don't worry.

As I was walking around looking for someone to buy a purse from me, I stopped an older lady who looked lost. She had a cane and looked fragile.
Me: "Can I help you find something ma'am? You look a bit lost."
Lady: "Oh, I'm just looking for the elevator. Where is it?"
Me: *Points* "It's right over there by the petite dresses."
Lady: "Oh...I was just over there. I think I'll just try the escalator."
Me: "Uh...ok." *Slightly worried but moving on with my life*

Not two seconds later, I get this feeling of "turn around." I turn around...Heavens to Betsy. The lady is falling down the escalator and looks like her leg is broken.

Me being the naturally nimble and short kid I am, I sprint across the store like some comic book superhero.

Note: running in a pencil skirt is hard and not recommended.

Anyway, I make it to this lady just in time. I make sure she is stable and not going to fall any further. Suddenly, I realize, we're still moving and if I don't push the emergency stop button soon, this lady might be in worse shape than she already was. So I bullet up the escalator stairs and push the button just before the lady reaches the top! PHEW!

I help the lady up. Her leg is not broken but she is really shaky. Then...two minutes later...all of my managers show up. We doctor her scraped up leg and blistered fingers and sign some papers. I run to the coffee shop next door and get her a glass of ice water to calm her down and then I walk her over to the home-wears where she looks for a cake pan.

Note: They no longer make 8" cake pans. Only 9". FYI.

We didn't find a cake pan she could use but I did get her calmed down. My managers looked like they had been slapped in the face. I didn't care. I just wanted to help the lady. So I did.  She then thanked me continuously for saving her.

Then I walked back down to my department.

No one said a word about any of it to me for the rest of the day...sigh. Superheros just don't get appreciated like they should.

Again, in and out of Macy's with a bang. Couldn't I ever have a simple, normal day? Nah. That would be waaay to easy and no fun at all.

And please, if you see an elderly person get on an escalator, stop them.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Comfort and Growth in Talking

I find that the older I get, the more comfort and self growth I get from talking to people.

As a child, I was...shy...somewhat of an introvert. My mother tried to get me to be social but I didn't feel the need to be social so important. Basically an only child, I played Barbies and did the voices in my head for all 37 thousand Barbies I had. Polly Pockets...best friends and I could take everywhere...In my pocket! What a novel idea. Genius, I thought. My two best friends in elementary school, Savannah and Katie, loved Barbies and Polly Pockets just as much as I did. So to recap: Barbies, Polly Pockets, Savanna and Katie, and my parents, of course, were basically it in the friends category for a long while.

Who needed a lot friends when you had pink and life like toys? I didn't think I did. That was until I reached middle school. Friends and being social were a challenge. I couldn't figure out why people didn't like me. I looked like all the other kids, dressed like them, made better grades than them, though I don't think that that was it. In my aged years now, I have decided that I maybe was too advanced for them? I didn't have time for young punk kids like themselves and they knew it? Meh. I still don't know what happened.

High school was a different story. No boys. I see many of you with a "gasping for air, fish out of water" expression on your faces. No boys was the best thing ever. Finally, girls being girls and not worrying about what some stupid boy was thinking about her or the girl around the corner. Nothing to fight over. Well, you would think nothing to fight over but girls will be girls... High school was great though. Really really good. I still wasn't the most social kid but I had my best friends and that's all that I needed.

Four years of high school and it was off to Idaho for college. Oh my death. I cried the first two months. WHY HADN'T I LISTENED TO MY MOTHER!!?!?? People: when your mother tells you to be social as well as other life advise....LISTEN TO HER. I had no real social skills! Why had I ever thought I wouldn't need them? Stupid girl. I couldn't talk to people. "Cat got your tounge?" Story of my life. Choking on words. Looking at boys like they were the space creatures from H.G. Wells' 1898 classic, War of the Worlds, just crawling all over the world trying to kill me. Palms sweaty. Literal brain numbness.

Don't fret readers, this only lasted two months. Then I magically got the hang of things. I don't know what happened to me one day but I remember sitting in my dorm lounge and thinking "Sharlene, you idiot, just go talk to people, make friends." I could hear the subconscious Sharlene stuttering "F-F-f-friends-s-s-s?!?" Real Sharlene: "Yes, you loser, friends. Make some."

That day was the changing point in my life. I learned how to open my mouth. Words came out! I think I was shocked. I was talking to complete and total strangers. And...I liked it!

Growing up, I was always boggled by my mother. That lady could talk to the Dalai Lama and not have one hair on her arm shiver. She could strike up a conversation with any complete random stranger and 10 minutes later that they were actually 67th cousins. I had never seen anything like it. She encouraged me to "Talk Sharlene! They won't bite you!" I, in turn, would shy away. Shy away until the day when I became my mother.

You're probably all thinking, that I'm still really shy. You are wrong. You just don't know me. Know me, people. To quote my mother, "I won't bite." I really like talking.

This brings me to the point in the story where Benjamin Brooksby comes in. Hey Ben, welcome, have a seat. For those of you that don't already know, Ben is my boyfriend. I love him to pieces. He is the best thing since I don't know what. I would say sliced bread but sliced bread isn't very good. To semi-quote a comic (don't remember which one) if you get the Pepperidge Farm bread...good luck, they wrap that puppy twice. There ain't no gettin' in that sucker for your little slice of sliced bread happiness. That phrase is stupide. That's stupid with an e.

Tangent. Back to Ben! Listen folks, if you ever want to meet your Mr. or Mrs. Forever...you have to have the appropriate social skills. That means talking. You see, when I started trying to win Mr. Brooksby's heart, I knew what I had to do. Could read him like a book with its cover open. I needed to prove myself that I had talking skills enough to handle myself on my own. One night, Ben left me for a few minutes to take care of some church stuff. I was left at a table full of people. Bada bing bada boom! No problem. I simply opened my mouth and talked. A simple two step process that I think many people would find very useful in their lives. You see, when Ben saw me talking to these people, he knew I was the one.

Maybe that's not what did it but it sure had a huge part in it.

You can't be afraid to talk to people. You will learn so much about yourself and others by doing so. People will like you. No if, ands or buts about it. It works! I sound like a infomercial. But really. If I could give one piece of advise to anyone it would be talk, talk to everyone all the time. You will never know what you will learn, about the person and about yourself. Life will be better.

I do it, my mom does it, Ben does it. If it works for me, it'll work for anyone.

In times of trial in my life, I find talking to people to be one of my biggest comforters. Telling people your story and hearing theirs is sort of what makes this world go round. How would anyone understand or work together if they didn't know at least a little bit about where the other one was coming from or why they were they way they were?

If you want to stop being misunderstood, the simple solution is to talk. Let people know what you're about. They will grow to understand how you are and what you mean when you say what you say. People will like you more if you open up to them. It's a trust factor. If you can talk to people about something other than the weather, they will trust you and life will be better.

Aside from Ben inspiring this little postie, my T.V repair man was what got me thinking tonight.

I have this thing. Some call it a gift, some call it annoying, take it how you will. When I hear an accent, I am attracted to talk to this person like a mosquito attracted to a bunch of swamp fishermen. I don't care where I am, what I am doing or who I am with, I will attack these people to get their life story. I'm especially fond of Eastern Europeans. Don't know why but that's how it is. Anyhow, tonight, I walk in my house and what do my ears hear??? AN ACCENT! My excitement grows until I figure out the right time to talk to this man. He's from Moldova. Never heard of it? Me either. It's resting comfortably between Romania and Ukraine. Honestly, I wasn't even sure I knew there was a country there. I am a little ashamed of that but you live you learn. Through talking to this man, I got him to tell me about his family, his native language (which happened to be Russian), he likes fishing and he's been here for 10 years. He seemed really happy to have someone genuinely interested in his life.

My mom and Granny were standing to the side in shock. Their little shy and short child had grown up to be a talker. Miracle!

As the man left, I spoke a few words of Russian to him, some of the only few I remember from my two semesters of Russian out at school. Maybe it was just me and the fact that I had just remembered some Russian, but the man seemed really happy. I was happy. Lots of happiness was acquired through a simple conversation.

You see what I mean? Open your mouth. Talk to people. You never know who's day you will make.

Even if your the most shy person on the earth, I am positive this method will work for you. It did for me.

Also, listen to your mothers. They do know best.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Coupons.


Everyday, I drive 40 miles to work. People used to ask me, "Why do you drive so far...?" and I would respond with a shrug and say "There isn't work where I live." I have now changed my answer. I will now reply with; "I drive so far because I really like to be yelled at by rich old women with nothing better to do than gripe and complain about everything to the 20 somethings working retail and well, you see, those women just don't exist where I live." I always try to go to work happy, or at least go in with a fake smile, but lately, I have been struggling with even the "I'll be pleasant to you just because I am getting paid" smile. Why? I'll tell you. Coupons. All old women, except my granny, have coupons. I never thought such a simple and useful thing could be so complicated and cause such a fuss but I'm here to say that they can and do, everyday of my life. I am often met with a "WHY CAN'T I USE THIS??? I HAVE BEEN COMING TO THIS STORE FOR 20 YEARS!! I'M TAKING MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE" or "SUCH AND SUCH STORE HAS THIS FOR 5 DOLLARS LESS!!!" I used to meet such remarks, or yells, with patience, but no more. I think I might start telling these old women what I really think, I mean, I only have a month left working there so I should have some fun before I leave, right? I don't know. But deep in my brain, there is a fiery volcano of angst when I am met with such remarks. This angst then turns into fists full of what I would say to them if only I could. Things like "Lady, I don't care where you take your business just as long as it's not here with me." Or "Listen, bossy, I don't know what you expect from this coupon but you should be jumping in excitement that this ugly shirt that you're about to buy is already marked down to 3 dollars instead of freaking out about the 20% off that you're not getting because the brand is excluded." I try and work and do my best when I'm clocked in on the ol' time clock and for these old women to just stand there with their eyes all wide and hands on their hips and say all this to me and all the others I work with just isn't flying. Good thing my mother raised me much like "Thumper"'s mother, cause I certainly don't have anything nice to say. Guess I won't be saying anything at all. But, let it be known, when I am old, I will not fight over an extra 60 cents off a 3 dollar shirt.